


Paper Chase

by Arnie



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-29
Updated: 2014-04-29
Packaged: 2018-01-21 07:46:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1543091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arnie/pseuds/Arnie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Rodney."  Elizabeth waited until he was looking at her before she continued, "You know this is serious."</p><p>"Oh, please!"  He leaned forward, his blue eyes blazing as he tried to glare her into submission.  "If I worried about every death threat I received, I'd never get any work done."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paper Chase

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Moonloon's "Rodney's Scrapbook of Death".
> 
> Written as a gift-fic for Raphe1.

"Can I have a word?"

Elizabeth Weir looked up from the report she was busy compiling. "Sure, Rodney. What's the problem?"

Rodney came in, glared at the door as it quietly slid shut behind him, then dropped into the chair on the other side of her desk with a loud sigh.

Her eyebrows rose as she looked at him. "Are you all right?"

He shook his head at her. "It's the major. You have to call him off."

Elizabeth's eyebrows stayed in the raised position. "Major...Sheppard?"

"Who else?" Rodney got up, stalked to the door and practically bounced on the spot as he waited for it to slide open. Once it had, he yelled, "Can't you find something better to do?" then returned to the chair. "He's driving me crazy."

Refusing to give in to her baser instinct which wanted to retort, "That wouldn't be difficult," Elizabeth drew on her long years of experience in dealing with challenging personalities. "What exactly is the problem?" she asked calmly, though she had a fair idea.

"What's the problem?!" Rodney repeated, an annoyed tone in his voice. "He won't leave me alone! I can't move, sleep, _breathe_ without him or one of his men there to make sure I'm not about to get a paper cut!"

Yep, she was right. "Rodney, you know the major is merely concerned -"

"I know he's concerned! He's so concerned he has the entire base watching out for me!"

She tried again. "You know how important to this mission you are."

He threw his hands up into the air in reply. "Of course!"

"So the major is merely doing his duty -"

"Make him stop!"

"Rodney." Elizabeth waited until he was looking at her before she continued, "You know this is serious."

"Oh, please!" He leaned forward, his blue eyes blazing as he tried to glare her into submission. "If I worried about every death threat I received, I'd never get any work done."

~'~

It had all started a couple of days before. Rodney later reflected that if he'd known Sheppard was going to go all gung-ho about protecting 'his scientist', he would have made sure to burn each and every note he received.

"What's this?"

Rodney glanced up from his work to the note in Sheppard's hand. "Oh, just a death threat." His gaze dropped back to his screen; maybe if he tried connecting the -

"I can see it's a death threat! What kind of death threat?!"

At the tone in Sheppard's voice, Rodney looked up again. "What do you mean 'what kind of death threat'?" he asked. "A threat of death. What do death threats normally mean to you?"

Sheppard glared at him, though Rodney couldn't figure out why. "This was sent to you?"

Sometimes, Rodney got the impression he was operating on an entirely different level to the rest of humanity. He had, however, expected better from Sheppard. "Read it to me."

"'McKay, eat fito...fito...fitohema....'"

"Phytohaemagglutinin," Rodney put in.

"Thanks. 'And die'."

"So it starts with 'McKay'." Rodney waited until Sheppard nodded, then asked, "As a point of interest, how many McKays are there in Atlantis?"

"One." Sheppard was looking at him like he was nuts, but Rodney was used to that and ignored it.

"Then I'd say it was for me!" Rodney went to turn back to his laptop.

"And you didn't say anything?!" Sheppard demanded.

Rodney sighed. He really didn't get why this was so important to Sheppard. "About what?"

"About the death threat!" Sheppard waved it in the air as if to add emphasis.

"Oh, please. Do you know how many death threats I get on a regular basis?"

Sheppard's mouth flapped in the breeze.

"Three or four." Which made this one pretty unimportant, so far as Rodney was concerned.

"A month?!"

"No, a week." Sheppard did that weird mouth flapping again, but Rodney ignored it. "And it's not even spelt right. Honestly! The brightest and the best and they can't even spell Phytohaemagglutinin right."

"But they're planning to kill you!" Sheppard spluttered.

"How? The way they've spelt that, they'll spend the rest of their lives trying to find Phytohaemagglutinin in order to kill me. And it's not that difficult a word to spell."

Sheppard made a few more strangled noises, his hands groping at his chest as if searching for his P-90, then, "Stay here!" he ordered, before stalking out.

Rodney shrugged and turned back to his laptop. Where else would he be?

Engrossed in his calculations, it took him a moment to identify who was shouting. Of course, the Czech words helped him figure it out. He thought open the door and looked out into the corridor, though why Ford was trying to stop Radek from getting into the lab was a mystery.

"Hey!"

Ford turned, then made a grab for Radek as he dived past him.

"Rodney, what is going on?" Radek slapped Ford's hands away from him, then retreated behind Rodney.

"I could ask you two the same thing!" Rodney snapped back. "Where have you been? I expected you - never mind. Take a look at this!" Ignoring Ford's protests, he dragged Radek over to his laptop.

Radek shook his head. "Is impossible."

"No, it's not - take a look at that." Rodney changed the screen, then smirked as Radek made an intrigued sound and moved in closer to peer at the screen. "What are you doing?" he asked Ford, who still looked incredibly unhappy.

"Major Sheppard said no one was to go in the lab while he was gone," Ford explained, inexplicably. "And that includes Doctor Zelenka." Grabbing the doctor's arm, Ford tried to pull him away.

"No, no, no! I wish to read this!"

"Sheppard said what?" Rodney sighed. He spent an hour in his lab, and the base went insane. Tapping his headset, he said, "McKay to Sheppard."

"Rodney?! Are you okay?! I'm on my way!"

"Huh? I'm fine! What's with Ford outside the lab? And why can't Radek come in?"

There was an exasperated sigh. "He could be the one sending you death threats!"

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. Radek!" He slapped his colleague's arm. "Spell Phytohaemagglutinin."

Radek raised his eyebrows but complied. "P-H-Y-T-O-H-A-E-M-A-G-G-L-U-T-I-N-I-N."

"There, see?"

There was silence for a brief moment, then, "Could be a double bluff."

Rodney rolled his eyes again, and thought that, at this rate, he was going to end up with eyestrain. "Major, I am not going to stop my scientists from working in the labs!"

More silence then, "Okay, but you have to work elsewhere."

"What? I am not working elsewhere!"

From the sounds of it, Sheppard was grinding his teeth. "Rodney, they threatened your life."

"And I'll threaten yours if you keep this up, Major!" Refusing to listen to the squawking, Rodney took off his earpiece and threw it across the room. "Ford, get out."

"What?! The major told me -"

"The major isn't here. But I am!" Rodney glared at the armed soldier, wishing he were six inches taller and fifty pounds of muscle heavier. "Now get out!"

"With all due respect, sir, I can't do that." Ford stood there, straight and tall, and Rodney had a strong suspicion he was picturing himself upholding military honour against insurmountable odds.

His pose was abandoned as several scientists arrived to start work, then stopped, their gazes going from Ford and his P-90 to Rodney.

"What's going on?" Kavanagh twitched as Ford's gun pointed straight at him.

Sadly aware that he was reluctant to let even Kavanagh get shot, Rodney stepped forward. "You lot, in! Ford, get out!"

"The major -"

"I don't care what the major said or didn't say." Rodney planted his hand in the middle of Ford's chest and pushed, fairly sure he wouldn't get shot for his pains - after all, Sheppard couldn't order Ford to protect him then let him shoot him...right?

The point was moot as he finally managed to get Ford outside the lab, then quickly thought the door shut and locked, gleefully aware there was no way Ford was getting through that.

The scientists surrounded him, a babble of voices asking for details about why Ford had apparently flipped and decided to go waving his gun at them. Kavanagh's voice could also be heard complaining that Ford pointed his gun directly at him, but Rodney ignored him.

"It doesn't matter what's going on!" Rodney shouted. "Work!"

The crowd dispersed, the scientists going to their work benches while throwing curious looks his way, and Rodney felt quite smug that he had the situation under control. Then the door slid open.

"I lo -" He stopped, very much aware there was no point protesting about locked doors when Major Supergene was around.

Sheppard glared around the lab, and Rodney followed his stare, not surprised to see the scientists ducking their heads and directing their attention to their workbenches.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

The scientists cowed into submission, Sheppard had obviously decided to try it with Rodney. But Rodney was, he was ever so pleased to note, made of far sterner stuff.

"Working!" he retorted, heading for his laptop.

He never made it. Hard fingers closed around his upper arm and he was tugged in the direction of the door.

"With them?" Sheppard's gaze was doing that touch-him-and-die thing again as it darted around the lab. "Without a guard?!"

"You know," Rodney pulled his arm free now that they were outside the lab, "maybe you should go see Heightmeyer. You seem to be taking this awfully personally."

"And you're taking it awfully calmly!" Sheppard retorted, his nose about an inch from Rodney's.

Rodney shrugged. "I've spent years in academia. This is nothing!"

~'~

Ten minutes later, Rodney was not calling it nothing. He was calling it a lot of things, but 'nothing' was not one of the words.

"Sheppard, if you don't let me out of here!" For emphasis he banged on the solidly locked door of his quarters again.

Rodney's radio clicked and Rodney dived across the room, grabbed it and slipped it into place. "I've told you, Rodney," Sheppard's voice said, "I'm keeping you where you'll be safe while I find out who's making the death threats." There was a click and the radio went silent.

Pressing his ear to the door, Rodney could hear the murmur of voices, leading him to suspect that Sheppard wasn't alone in his insanity. "Major!"

The door slid open unexpectedly. Fortunately, Sheppard caught Rodney before he faceplanted in the corridor.

"Just relax. I'm going to take a look around, but Bates will be keeping guard outside your door."

Rodney struggled upright and glared at the pair of them, one part of his mind wondering whether gun oil was known for causing delusions. "I don't need anyone to keep guard outside my door! And I shouldn't even be in there - I should be in my lab!"

Sheppard's hazel eyes narrowed. "Not a chance! Not that with lot around!"

He shoved, and Rodney staggered back into his quarters.

"Don't worry; I'll find out who it is and then you'll be safe."

The door slid shut and there was an ominous clunk.

"Sheppard!" Given that there was no reply, Rodney suspected that Sherlock Sheppard had gone. He turned on his radio. "Sergeant Bates?"

There was silence for a few seconds then, "Yes, Doctor McKay."

"I order you to open this door."

"With all due respect, sir, I can't do that."

Rodney growled and sank down into his chair. He suspected he was going to get very, very tired of that phrase pretty damn quickly. So, the military chain of command was out to ignore him, but the civilian one wouldn't and couldn't. Giving the door his best glare, Rodney tapped his radio again. "Elizabeth?"

She answered immediately. "Yes, Rodney."

"I have to report that Major Sheppard has gone insane."

"What?!"

Rodney rubbed his hands together with glee. If Sheppard thought he could lock Rodney in his room and get away with it, he could think again.

~'~

Having listened to Rodney at great length, Elizabeth finally managed to get him off the radio by promising to find out exactly what was going on. He'd wanted her to go down to his quarters and get Sergeant Bates to let him out, but Elizabeth had first hand knowledge of how her orders would be received when they contradicted ones left by Major Sheppard. Therefore, her first act was to get hold of the ringleader himself.

"Major Sheppard?"

"Doctor Weir."

"I need to see you. Immediately."

There was a sigh, then, "Can it wait? I'm kinda in the middle of something right now."

"I don't think so." She paused, then added, "It concerns Doctor McKay."

"I'm on my way!"

Five seconds later, the door slid open and John practically fell into her office. "What's the problem?!"

"You tell me, Major. Doctor McKay informs me that he's been restricted to quarters by you." That hadn't exactly been how Rodney had phrased it, but Elizabeth had a suspicion that John wouldn't take kindly to being referred to as a 'messy-haired lunatic with delusions of power'.

John sat down, his tension visibly lessening a little. "Did he tell you about the death threats?"

"Death threats?!"

He nodded. "McKay's been receiving death threats - three or four a week - for some time now. Restricting him to quarters is the best way to keep him safe until I can find out who's sending them." John's voice and pose were at odds with the normally laidback persona he projected, and Elizabeth suspected that showed how seriously he was taking this.

Elizabeth blinked. "He never said."

A wry look crossed John's face. "He doesn't appear to be taking the threat seriously."

"Well, of course it's serious!"

"That's what I told him."

"Do you have any idea who?"

John handed over a piece of paper. When Elizabeth unfolded it, she realised it was one of the death threats Rodney had received. "Fito...hema...glue...tinnin?"

"It's a toxin," John told her calmly.

"What kind of toxin? Do we have any in Atlantis?"

"Fortunately, no. We do have a number of other toxins though. I've increased the security measures surrounding them." John leaned back in his chair. "I've spoken with Doctor Beckett. He has heard of it, but he's not a suspect at this time."

"You think Carson -"

She got a tight smile in reply. "As I said, he's not a suspect at this time."

"Then who do you suspect?"

"The scientists."

Elizabeth waited for him to narrow down the list, then finally asked, "All of them?"

"For the moment." John got up. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll report back to you later."

She nodded and watched him go. It wasn't until a few minutes later that she realised Rodney was still locked in his room and John hadn't said a word about letting him out. She wasn't looking forward to what Rodney would say, but tapped her earpiece anyway. "Rodney?"

"Oh, thank God! When am I getting out of here?"

"I...have to agree with Major Sheppard on this one, Rodney. It might be better for you to stay in your quarters - at least for today."

"What?!"

She winced as the screech went straight through her. "Rodney, you received death threats."

"So why should I be locked up?" Rodney demanded. "Lock up the ones who sent them!"

Elizabeth blinked again. "You think it was more than one person who sent them?"

There was silence for a long moment, then, "No, just one person. It's not like I'd have more than one enemy, right?"

Riiight. "Rodney, stay in your room for now. I'm sure Major Sheppard will have some news soon. Weir out."

~'~

"Carson?"

Carson put down the box of syringes he was counting and tapped his earpiece. "Rodney, are you all right? Major Sheppard told -"

He was interrupted by a long stream of insults that called into question Major Sheppard's abilities, morals and parenthood. 

"Rodney, calm down. I can feel your blood pressure spiking from here. Plus, the major's never struck me as a man with an unnatural interest in sheep."

There was another series of epithets, and Carson grinned; it was obvious that Rodney was fine. "Well, I've never met his mother, but I'm sure she wouldn't do that either."

"Carson!"

"Rodney, calm down," Carson repeated. "Now the major - let me finish - the major told me about these death threats."

"Oh for...is everyone obsessed with those death threats?!"

"Well, you have to admit it's serious."

"So serious I get locked into my quarters?!" Rodney demanded.

Carson shook his head. "The major's obviously taking this seriously, Rodney. You can't expect him to risk your life - we need you!"

"Well...yes...I know that." Rodney sounded a little mollified. "But I'm locked in!" His voice rose again. "With a marine on guard outside my door!"

"As I said, the major's taking this seriously, Rodney, and you should be grateful that he is."

"Grateful?!"

"Aye! Would you prefer that he didn't care you were being threatened?"

"Well...no."

"Well then." Carson nodded, satisfied, as there was silence. "Now, what can I do for you?"

There was a sigh. "Nothing. Thanks for your help."

"Any time."

~'~

The radio clicked off, and Rodney yanked his earpiece out and tossed it onto the desk. He didn't know what Sheppard had said to Elizabeth and Carson but they were obviously on his side, instead of being on Rodney's and recognising how insane the major had become.

Sitting down on his bed, Rodney looked around his room, then smiled as his gaze fell on one of his laptops. Sheppard might have the people of Atlantis believing his every word, but Rodney had Atlantis itself under his control.

Well, except for the door to his quarters, but that was only a matter of time.

~'~

John was busy following a scientist who was out of the lab and wandering down to the supply store in what John could only describe as a 'very suspicious manner', when an alarm went off. Ignoring the panicking scientist ahead of him, John tapped his earpiece quickly. "Doctor Weir?"

"Yes, Major?"

He could hear a babble of voices behind her but ignored it. "What's going on?"

"I... Yes, do that! I'm not sure, Major. We're trying to track down the source of the alarm now."

John's eyes narrowed and he broke into a run as he tapped his earpiece again. "Bates?"

"Yes, sir!"

"McKay's up to something. I'm on my way."

A few seconds later, he heard Bates's voice. "Major, the door to Doctor McKay's quarters is open."

"Don't go in there!" Just a few minutes more... John pushed himself to run faster, his leg muscles burning with the effort. He skidded around the corner and stumbled to a halt at the sight of Bates, struggling to free himself from a tangled mess of duct tape. "What the -"

"It was Doctor McKay, sir." Bates struggled harder. "He ran off down the corridor." He jerked his chin to indicate McKay's direction.

John yanked out his knife and slashed several of the strands preventing Bates from reaching his own knife. "I'll catch up with him."

He was positive he would have too, if Atlantis hadn't decided to go into lockdown.

As the doors slammed shut ahead of him, John reached for his radio. "McKay?!"

"Now you're prepared to talk to me." Rodney sounded just as smug as ever. "It's quite simple, Major: I will release control of Atlantis, if you will give me your word that you won't stop me from going to the lab, the mess hall, or anywhere else I decide to go."

John ground his teeth furiously as Atlantis refused to open the doors in front of him. "I can't do that." Of all the stupid, pig-headed... How was he supposed to protect Rodney if he couldn't even get near him?

"Then we have a stand off." He heard Rodney's radio click, then, "Doctor Weir?"

"Rodney, are you all right?"

"I'm fine, of course. And I'm prepared to release control of Atlantis if this ridiculous situation is ended."

"Uh...which ridiculous situation is that, Rodney?"

John could tell Elizabeth was stalling for time. He could also have told her that she needn't have bothered.

"My being locked in my quarters while certain testosterone-raddled majors go crazy looking for a threat that doesn't exist!"

Raising his eyebrows, John thought that was quite unfair: he wasn't going crazy.

"Oh, and tell Radek it's no good him trying to hack into the system that way; I've got it covered."

There was silence for a few seconds, then, "Rodney, you can't hold Atlantis hostage."

"Yes, I can!" There was a sigh, then, "I am prepared to accept a guard - for the time being anyway - but only if I'm allowed to go and do my work."

"Rodney, the major is -"

"Concerned, I know!"

"And so are we. Death threats are serious." Elizabeth's voice was calm and soothing; John could have told her that was a waste of time with McKay.

"Oh, please! Look, I don't mind if that...that...hedgehog-haired maniac spends his time impersonating Sherlock Holmes, but I do mind when it stops me from doing my work." There was a pause, then, "Atlantis needs me. _You_ need me."

"Yes, we do!" Elizabeth instantly agreed. "But we need you whole and healthy."

"And despite the amazing amount of death threats and the Wraith, I am whole and healthy. Well, reasonably healthy, despite what that witch doctor says."

John had to admit Rodney had a point there.

"Major?"

"I'm here." John finished swapping around the crystals and mentally begged Atlantis to help him out, then smirked as the door facing him finally slid open.

"Are you prepared to allow Doctor McKay to return to work if he accepts a guard?"

John ground his teeth as he started working on yet another door. Atlantis seemed willing to help him...but Rodney was getting in the way. "Well, that depends."

"On what?" Rodney's voice broke in. "By the way, Major, there are at least four doors between us. You can't break through all of them."

'Wanna bet?' John thought, working his fingers into the tiny gap and forcing the door open, then smiling as Atlantis opened it further. "On whether or not Doctor McKay will obey his guard." He wriggled through the slightly too narrow gap and ran to the next door as he waited for Rodney's response.

"Obey? _Obey?!_ " Typically, Rodney didn't seem to like that suggestion. "I don't have to obey your orders."

"You do if you want to be let out of your quarters and allowed back into your lab," John pointed out.

Rodney's verbal explosion lasted while John fought his way through another two doors, and he could hear the end of it through the last door facing him. So, Rodney thought John wouldn't be able to get to him, huh? John's smile widened.

Elizabeth had obviously decided it was time to step in again. "Rodney, I know this is frustrating for you -"

"Frustrating?!"

"Yes, frustrating. But you have to admit Major Sheppard is acting in your best interests."

"Ha! He's got delusions of grandeur and you're calling them - what the hell are you doing?!"

John smirked through the gap at Rodney's appalled face. "Getting through the doors."

Rodney's mouth flapped as disjointed syllables sounded.

"You thought I couldn't do it, but..." John shoved the door open wider and stepped through, smiling as Rodney backed off behind a stack of supplies, "I did."

"Major," Elizabeth's voice sounded again, "what's your status?"

"I'm with Doctor McKay now." John grinned. He walked over to the crate Rodney had been using as a desk. "Radek, what'll happen if I shut down Rodney's computer?"

There was an incoherent protest - or whimper, John wasn't sure which - from Rodney's hidey-hole, but he ignored it as Radek replied, "We'll regain control of the city."

"Good." John reached for the off-switch.

"No!" Rodney emerged, his hand outstretched, then his shoulders slumped as John pressed the switch firmly.

The lights flickered, then steadied.

"Now what?" Rodney demanded.

"Now you return to your quarters, minus your laptop."

Rodney's jaw dropped. "You can't do that! It's inhumane! It's against the Geneva Convention!"

John snapped the lid shut and tucked the laptop under his arm. "Yes, Rodney, I remember that part of the Geneva Convention well: when taken prisoner, Doctor McKay may not be deprived of his laptop." John waggled his fingers. "Come on."

There was a huff, but Rodney followed him, apparently unwilling to abandon his laptop to John's tender mercies.

"How about I promise to...accept having a guard?"

John cast him a look but kept on walking.

"Okay, I'll...listen to the guard."

John stopped and looked at him, then raised his eyebrows waiting for the next offer.

"Oh, all right, all right! I'll obey the...boneheaded, moronic cretin assigned to protect me!"

"Aaand you were doing so well up to then."

~'~

Back in his quarters, all his laptops removed, the door locked and two marines on guard outside his door. Rodney sat on his bed and then slumped to one side, burying his face in his pillow. No laptops. Sheppard had even removed the emergency one hidden under Rodney's secret stash of chocolate.

He felt...bereft. He hadn't been without a computer since the day he first reprogrammed his father's. His father, perhaps recognising an immovable object when he met it, had bought himself a new one and advised Rodney to go into computer programming.

Rodney hadn't, but he'd considered the idea for approximately 7.9 seconds.

And now...he was without his laptop. Any laptop. At all.

Rodney pushed his face further into his pillow. What kind of life was this?

Unsurprisingly, his attempt at smothering himself failed and he sat up, tapping his fingers on his thigh as he thought.

No laptop...no laptop...

But he still had his radio and allies. Reaching up, Rodney tapped his radio and contacted the one person who would understand the horrible deprivation he was going through.

"Radek! I need your help."

There was silence for a few seconds, then Radek replied quietly, "The major has been here. Is threatening to shoot anyone who helps you."

"He won't shoot you." Rodney was reasonably sure of that. "He took all my laptops."

More silence, then Rodney heard a door slide shut. " _All_ your laptops?" Radek's voice was slightly louder and Rodney realised he must have shut himself into Rodney's office.

"Yes, and don't get too comfortable in there. I'll be back, sooner or later."

"Oh, please, like I would steal your office. Your coffee, yes. Your office, no."

Rodney sat up straighter. "My coffee's not in my office!"

"Then you worry about nothing. In the meantime, you have no laptop."

"I know that!"

"Hmm...is serious problem. Scientist without laptop is liable to get bored."

"Yes, and he's locked me in my quarters!" The more Rodney thought about it, the more indignant he felt.

"Boredom undoubtedly almost immediate."

"Stop talking like a fortune cookie and help me!"

There was silence for a few seconds, then, "Fortune cookies do not talk. You want help or not?"

Rodney struggled with himself, then muttered, "Yes. Please."

"Door must be opened for food to go in, yes?"

"Well, yes." Sheppard couldn't starve Rodney. Could he?

"Then that will be opportunity. Is almost lunchtime. Is best you be dejected prisoner with no hope of help."

"Dejected prisoner? What have you been reading - 'The Prisoner of Zenda'?!"

A sigh came over the radio. "I help only to avoid you blowing up quarters with radio. Zelenka out."

Rodney took off his radio and gazed at it thoughtfully. If all else failed....

~'~

The door slid open and Rodney sat up, fully expecting to see Radek with a laptop. Instead, his gaze met Sheppard's.

"Expecting someone else?" Sheppard asked, placing a loaded tray on Rodney's desk.

"No!" The door slid shut with no sign of Radek, and Rodney got up and moved to the desk, glad to see that Sheppard had no intention of starving him. "I don't suppose I can have my laptop back."

"No." Sheppard smiled at him. "But I brought your favourites."

Rodney sat down and gestured to the flask. "That had better be coffee."

"You're welcome, McKay. By the way, I'm not a waiter; feel free to serve yourself." He helped himself to a plateful of food and Rodney glared as he sat down on the bed.

"That's my food!"

Sheppard raised his eyebrows. "You didn't think all this was for you? You don't eat that much, McKay. Anyway," he dug his fork into the pasta, "I thought I'd stay and have lunch with you."

Rodney snorted as he poured coffee. "More like stay and taunt the prisoner." Sniffing, he relished the smell of caffeine.

"You're not a prisoner."

"You've finally come to your senses! Thank God!" Rodney leapt to his feet and made for the door.

Which remained shut.

Sheppard met his gaze evenly. "You're not a prisoner because you're in protective custody."

"Oh, please! That's semantics!" He gestured towards the door. "The door is locked, I am not allowed out. Therefore I am a prisoner."

"Sit down and drink your coffee."

Rodney was about to (after all, coffee was better than no coffee, with or without the taste of freedom) when the door chime sounded. He rolled his eyes as Sheppard dumped his plate to one side and grabbed for his P-90. "Who do you think is out there?" Rodney demanded.

"Stay where you are," Sheppard ordered.

"Yes, Major, I'll stay here and cower behind my jello." Rodney shook his head and picked up his fork, then promptly dropped it and dived for the door again as it slid open to reveal Radek with a tray. "Radek!"

"He insisted on seeing the prisoner, Major," Bates explained. "Said Doctor McKay needed more food."

With Sheppard's arm barring his way, Rodney couldn't get at the tray, but he did his best. "He's right!" His eyes met Sheppard's, a suspicious gleam in the narrowed gaze. He hated it when Sheppard looked at him like that. "I'm hypoglycaemic. I faint without food!"

"I thought it was manly passing out?" Sheppard enquired.

"That too!"

Sheppard rolled his eyes. "Sergeant, take the tray."

Radek's eyes widened as the tray was lifted from his hands to reveal the laptop. Then he shrugged and looked at Rodney ruefully. "I tried, yes?"

Rodney's shoulders slumped. "Thanks, Radek."

The door slid shut again, and Rodney returned to his abandoned meal. Sheppard stood there, watching him, and Rodney finally said, "You couldn't expect me to just give up, right?"

"No, I couldn't."

Sheppard was still giving him that narrowed eyed, I-know-you're-up-to-something look, so Rodney did his best to project an air of innocence and turned his attention to his food. After an ice age or so, Sheppard moved back to the bed and picked up his own plate.

"So what's Plan B?" he asked.

Rodney swallowed his mouthful of food. "What makes you think I have a Plan B?" he demanded, fully aware that his tone was petulant.

"Rodney McKay, double PhD, biggest brain in the galaxy." Sheppard pointed his fork at Rodney. "I know you too well to think you'll give up now."

"So let me out!"

"And have you get killed by whatever maniac is sending you death threats? Not a chance!"

"The only maniac here is _you_ , Major Sheppard, and you're in here!"

"Not for long." Sheppard stayed silent until he'd finished eating, then stood up and piled everything back onto the tray. There was a brief pause as he stared at the tray, his head on one side, then he moved a pile of papers, took back the fork Rodney had stolen and dropped that onto the tray too. "Nice try. I'll see you at dinner."

Rodney followed him to the door. "Yes, take the fork. Plan B was that I'd dig my way out of my quarters!" The last was bellowed through the closed door, but Rodney was pretty sure Sheppard had heard him.

Having masterfully misdirected Sheppard's suspicions, Rodney yanked off his radio and started taking it apart. Blow up his quarters? Maybe it wasn't quite such a crazy plan.

~'~

An hour later, Atlantis was in lockdown. Again.

John sighed, switched off his desk lamp and abandoned his interrogation of Kavanagh. Rodney was up to something again. And John's office door was locked.

"Well, can I go now?" Kavanagh demanded, his spirit apparently rising now he was no longer in the glare of John's lamp.

Glancing over his shoulder, John replied, "When I can, you can."

"What do you mean when you can?" Kavanagh joined him at the door, then gasped in horror. "I'm locked in with you?!"

John looked at him and raised one eyebrow, then hid his smile as Kavanagh backed away to behind the desk. Rodney might not be afraid of him, but John still had what it took to terrify a scientist.

~'~

Radek raised his eyebrows as the radio channel went nuts. He listened silently for a few moments until he heard his name, then he tapped his radio.

"Doctor Weir?"

"What's your status?"

"The lab is also in lockdown."

"Can you get out?"

Privately, Radek doubted it, unless he persuaded Rodney to let him out. "I will try." He tapped his radio again, then switched to a secure channel. "Rodney?"

There was silence for a long moment, then, "Yes?"

"What have you done?"

"Why do you assume I did anything?"

Radek raised his eyebrows as he checked through the computer system. It was a total lockdown and the source was untraceable. "I know you and you still have radio."

There was a pleased and slightly smug snort. "I know." Then, the tone rather worried, "This channel is secure, isn't it?"

"Please. Like I want to be shot for helping you."

"You wouldn't get shot. Well...maybe."

Radek sighed. "So reassuring." He tapped a few more keys. "Hmm, is interesting."

"What? What is?" Rodney demanded, making a few tapping noises of his own.

"You have used radio to link into Atlantis's systems. Ingenious."

Rodney was back to sounding smug. "I thought so."

"But now what?"

"What do you mean 'now what'? Now what what?"

"Now what will you do?" Radek tapped a few more keys, frowning at the computer. "You cannot use Atlantis to stop marines outside your door. My suspicion is: blackmail."

He got another snort for that, but no words.

"Um hmm. Do you wish for me to make negotiation?"

"What will you get out of it?"

"I will not be forced to work with morons." Radek sighed. It was no wonder Rodney found it difficult to keep his temper.

"Aha! I knew it! You think they're morons too."

Radek gave a shrug, though he knew Rodney couldn't see him. "Also, your paperwork is incomprehensible and I do not get paid enough."

"Just get me out of here and I'll...consider sharing my coffee with you."

"Is empty offer. You will not be parted from coffee, no matter what. Zelenka out."

~'~

John sighed as he looked at his still locked door. Even all the mental begging he was capable of while ignoring Kavanagh (and seriously, why had no one shot that guy yet?) hadn't managed to open his door. Rearranging the door crystals had led to two singed fingers, and he was pretty sure his hair was sticking up more than usual. What the hell had Rodney done this time?

If it wasn't for the fact that Bates was still on guard outside Rodney's door, John would have been panicking that Rodney was cavorting around the city in mortal danger and without a guard.

"Haven't you got that door open yet?"

John turned. "No. Perhaps you'd like to try." He held his singed fingers behind his back.

Kavanagh eyed him for a moment, then shrugged. "Well, I can't do worse than you."

Ignoring the hint of a sneer, John stepped out of the way. They'd see.

~'~

Elizabeth sighed. "And there's nothing you can do?"

Radek's sadness at disappointing her was obvious. "Unless I can get out, no. I do not know how Rodney has done this, but he is in control. I think best option is to negotiate."

And Lord knew what John would say to that. "Do you know what he wants?"

"Freedom. To work in his lab again. Possibly more coffee and chocolate, though those are not desperate needs."

"I doubt that - I've seen Rodney without caffeine." Elizabeth sighed again. "All right, I'll discuss it with Major Sheppard and get back to you."

~'~

John peered over the edge of the desk. "The door's still locked."

There was a groan from Kavanagh.

"Yeah. I'll just get back to giving it my best shot." Fortunately, before John could risk any more fingers (or worse, though Kavanagh was alive...and smoking), Elizabeth radioed him.

"Major, it seems that we may have to consider letting Rodney out."

John sighed and looked at the crystals again. He really didn't think touching them was a good idea. Not after Kavanagh's impressive back flip anyway. "Can't Radek do something?"

"He says he can't get into the system. Rodney's managed to put us in total lockdown."

Privately, John was starting to have his suspicions about Radek - the wily Czech was helping Rodney, John was sure of that - but it didn't look like they had any choice. "All right. As long as McKay is prepared to accept me or one of my men as a guard."

"I was going to say the same thing, Major. I'll get back to you when I have news."

Elizabeth didn't need to radio John back. Approximately ninety seconds later, the door opened. John smiled as he stepped out into the corridor and tapped his radio to report a need for medical assistance in his office. Well, Rodney might have won that battle, but John was going to win the war.

~'~

The door slid open and Rodney grinned as he looked at his bétè noir. "Well, come to your senses, have you?"

Sheppard glared at him. "Elizabeth has decided that you are to be allowed out - but only with a guard."

Rodney smirked. "How magnanimous of her." He slipped his radio back into place. "So, which of your minions has been rostered onto baby-sitting duty? I hope it's someone with the ATA gene - he'll have to make himself useful!"

There was a gleam in Sheppard's eyes that Rodney didn't much like, but he merely raised his eyebrows and said, "I'm sure you can make do with me and my gene hanging around."

"Hmm. All right then. Let's get back to work. If you can control yourself." His chin in the air, Rodney led the way back to his lab, relishing the freedom that turned the air sweet. "Hurry up, Major! I've wasted most of the day inside my quarters."

~'~

Later that night, Rodney was starting to think that he hadn't won after all. If he so much as twitched, Sheppard was there, P-90 at the ready to shoot some invisible foe. Rodney had thought he was about to lose half his staff when he sneezed.

"Don't you have something else you could be doing?!" he finally demanded.

Sheppard smiled at him, his hands resting on his P-90 in a deceptively casual manner. "Nope."

"Why don't you go let Teyla beat you with sticks? You seem to like that."

"I told her I'm busy."

"Yes. Busy doing nothing!" Rodney sighed in frustration.

"Not nothing, Rodney." Sheppard showed his teeth in what Rodney assumed was supposed to be a smile. "I'm protecting you."

"From whom? There's no one here except my staff and they're too terrified of me to try to kill me!" Rodney paused, then added, "Well, except Radek."

"And I do not wish to get stuck with your paperwork," Radek muttered.

"There! See?! I'm fine!"

Sheppard's supposed-smile widened. "I know. And I intend to make sure you stay that way."

"Fine!" Rodney went to slam the device he was holding onto his desk, then stopped and placed it down gently instead. There was no way he was going to damage Ancient technology just because Sheppard had lost whatever sanity he'd had left. "I'm going to the mess hall, then to my quarters. Okay?" It wasn't like he wanted to go off-duty at only 9.30 at night, but he'd had enough of being 'guarded'.

Sheppard clicked his radio. "Ford."

"Ford here, sir."

"Doctor McKay will be going to the mess hall."

"Acknowledged, sir." There was a long pause as Rodney stared at Sheppard in disbelief, then Ford's voice sounded again. "The mess hall is secure, sir."

"Acknowledged." Sheppard clicked his radio off and did his teeth-baring thing at Rodney again. "Whenever you're ready."

Rodney grabbed for what little patience he had left. "Okay. Let's do this." He wasn't surprised that Radek tagged along when they left; Rodney suspected he wanted to see what was happening in the mess hall too.

"Guards?! You have guards on the mess hall?!" For a moment, Rodney regretted Atlantis's technology as he would have felt some satisfaction at being able to slam a door shut. "You are _insane._ " Turning away from the smug-looking Sheppard, Rodney stalked into the mess hall and headed towards the food, only slightly mollified when he discovered there was chocolate cake left.

His dinner and cake eaten, Rodney retreated to his quarters, and stared in disbelief as Sheppard searched them before allowing him in. "Are you mad? You were locking me in here earlier today - but _now_ it's not safe?"

"Just making sure..." Sheppard drawled in that irritating way of his.

"Of what?" Rodney snapped. "That Kavanagh isn't hiding in my closet?"

At that Sheppard turned and directed his gaze at Rodney, looking as if Rodney were a particularly dim student. "Rodney, they're threatening your life!" he explained.

Rodney barely restrained a growl. "So are the Wraith, Major. I don't see you checking under my bed for them every night." He stared around his quarters. "Are you finished? Are you done?"

"For now."

The door slid shut behind him, and Rodney turned to his bed, then paused. For now? Stalking back into the corridor, he ignored the marines on duty and bawled after the retreating figure, "You'd better not do any security checks in my room in the middle of the night, Sheppard. I know where you sleep!"

~'~

Leaving Rodney's quarters, and ignoring the bellowing from behind him, John returned to his own quarters and stripped for bed. He was tired. Ever since he'd read that death threat note - that Rodney was _not_ taking seriously - John had been on edge. Didn't anyone understand that they needed Rodney? Radek was good, but when Atlantis broke down it was Rodney they turned to. To fix things, to find solutions, to make everything work again.

Plus, he liked the guy. Yeah, Rodney was bad-tempered, egotistical and had a biting wit that could reduce the hardiest marine to a nervous wreck, but he was fun to be with. So there was no way anything was going to happen to Rodney while John was around.

John stretched out on his bed and pulled his covers over himself, then thought out the lights. As darkness bathed the room, he let his eyes slide shut, then opened them again and smiled.

Of course, he might have to do a middle of the night security check just to piss Rodney off.

~'~

Naturally, it did piss Rodney off, but John was able to duck the hurled projectiles and retreated from the room with a grin on his face.

There wasn't a lot of entertainment to be had in Atlantis. Sometimes, he just had to provide his own.

~'~

After being woken up by his insane friend in the middle of the night, Rodney was in a foul mood when he got up in the morning. If he so much as _saw_ Sheppard, he was positive he was going to burst a blood vessel and die of apoplexy on the spot.

"Ready to go?"

Rodney turned on the spot and snarled, "I hate you!"

Sheppard grinned at him, apparently not at all put off by his greeting. "Good morning to you too, Rodney. Let's go, shall we? The mess hall is expecting us."

Growling under his breath, Rodney followed. That was it. He couldn't take any more. Once he'd had breakfast, he was going to complain to Elizabeth.

~'~

As Rodney left her office, Elizabeth sighed but reached for her radio. "Major Sheppard?"

"Yes, Doctor Weir?"

Elizabeth wasn't surprised at the speed of the reply. After all, she suspected that John was in the Gateroom, about to follow Rodney back to his laboratory.

"Could I have a word?"

There was a slight delay during which Elizabeth suspected John was handing his bodyguard duty over to one of his men, then he replied, "Sure."

The door slid open, and John came in, his normal easy-going, laid back persona in place. "What's up?"

She waited until he sat down, then said, "I've just been speaking with Rodney."

John's smile became a grin. "I heard."

Elizabeth bit back her answering grin. "This situation is very hard on him, and I wondered how far you'd got with your investigation."

The smile remained in place, but there was a watchful look in John's eyes. "I'm making progress."

"Do you think you'll be able to find out who's writing these notes?"

"I'll find out who it is, Elizabeth." The lazy tone had disappeared from his voice, leaving a serious edge in its place. "You can count on that."

For a moment, Elizabeth flashed back to the determined, professional soldier who'd killed several of Kolya's men before shooting Kolya himself, then John's smile returned and he continued, "And don't worry about Rodney - I'll deal with him."

She nodded. "I have every confidence in you." As he stood, she added, "Just please...keep Rodney calm?"

His smile widened again. "You can count on me."

~'~

To Rodney's surprise, he didn't see Sheppard for the rest of the day. Instead, he had Sergeant Bates dogging his footsteps and monitoring his every move. Giving in to the inevitable, he demanded that Bates help him in the labs, and took a perverse pleasure in making the man move heavy boxes and do grunt work.

He was pretty sure Sheppard would hear all about it later. At least, unless he pulled rank.

Rodney even considered allowing Kavanagh to order Bates around, but then decided that was pushing it too far. Bates was only human, after all, and he was armed.

Given that he hadn't seen Sheppard and he had annoyed Bates, Rodney was in a fairly good mood when he made his way to the mess hall later that night.

"Sheppard."

The man himself was already in the mess hall and eating blue jello.

Rodney frowned.

"Don't worry, there's plenty of jello left." Sheppard waved a spoonful at him.

"It'd better be blue, that's all I'm saying." Stalking past the table, Rodney's ire abated when he saw that there was plenty of blue jello left. He demanded a plateful of macaroni and Athosian goats' cheese, swiped some cutlery along with two bowls of blue jello, and retreated to Sheppard's table.

"Two bowlfuls?"

Rodney shrugged. "I've had a long day."

"So's the sergeant," Sheppard pointed out, "and he isn't taking two bowlfuls of blue jello." As Rodney opened his mouth to defend his culinary choices, Sheppard continued, "All right, Sergeant. I'll take over."

"Thank you, sir."

There was a note of thankfulness in Bates's tone but Rodney ignored it. The day hadn't been _that_ bad.

"So what did you do to my sergeant?" Sheppard demanded, swiping a spoon and a mouthful of blue jello with it.

"Hey!" Rodney moved the jello. "I didn't do anything to him." He leaned over the table slightly. "He's obviously not used to working hard in science labs."

Sheppard sighed. "I'll apologise to him tomorrow. At least tell me you didn't set Kavanagh on him."

"Of course not!" Rodney felt indignant. After all, considering that very thing didn't count, right? Realising he'd forgotten some napkins, he stood. "Don't touch my food." Sheppard gave him a 'Who, me?' look but Rodney ignored it, hurrying over to grab another spoon and some napkins and rushing back before Sheppard could take revenge on his jello.

Sheppard gazed at him as he sat back down. "Rodney, you'll trust me to guard your life but not your jello? I'm hurt."

"If I thought you'd eat me, I wouldn't trust you with my life either." He dropped a couple of napkins next to his plate, then shoved the rest into his pocket, and froze as he felt a piece of paper crumple under his fingers.

"What?"

Rodney remained frozen, sure that it would have been impossible for anyone to slip a note into his pocket, then blinked as Sheppard snapped his fingers.

"Give."

Slowly, reluctantly, Rodney withdrew his hand, the napkins and crumpled note clenched within his fingers.

In one swift move, the paper was plucked free, and Sheppard scowled at it. Then, unbelievably, his face relaxed, a smile playing around the edges of his mouth. "You can keep this one."

Rodney took it, dumbfounded. He'd expected Sheppard to go ballistic, and to possibly end up locked back in his quarters, instead... He stared at the note.

_Doctor McKay, please do not shout at us.  
Yours sincerely,_

There was a gap, then, the ink lighter than the rest as if the writer was reluctant:

_Anonymous._

Rodney blinked. In his experience, people didn't tend to sign anonymous notes with _anything._

"That's the most polite anonymous note I've ever read," Sheppard put in.

Miko. Rodney recognised the politeness. Crumpling the note, he shoved it back into his pocket and did his best to recover his usual manner. "Apart from the ones I've received, you've never seen any."

"And the rest of yours weren't polite."

"How do you know?" Rodney demanded. "They might have been!"

Sheppard grinned. "They were addressed to you."

~'~

Although Rodney had spent the day making Bates's life a misery, John hadn't been any the less productive. Rodney hadn't kept any of the anonymous notes he'd received, but as paper was at something of a premium in Atlantis - at least until they could establish contact with Earth again - Elizabeth had arranged with the Athosians for them to recycle any paper used on Atlantis. The Athosians, being far more self-sufficient than the humans from Earth, had their own modest paper mill, and John had flown there that morning, to spend some time making his way through all the paper they'd received from Atlantis.

"Is this all?"

Marnum, the very tall Athosian in charge of the paper mill, smiled down at him. "Unfortunately so. We receive very little paper from your people." His brow creased in a puzzled frown, and he hesitated, then added, "We have often wondered why you use so little."

John nodded, his mind not really on the matter as he picked up the top sheet of the small pile and gazed at it. Realising that Marnum was still waiting for an answer, he smiled. "We use email and notepad as much as possible." They had to. Once the reality of their isolated position had set in, with supplies in finite amounts, filling in forms in triplicate had become a thing of the past.

"Email and notepad," Marnum repeated. "These things do not use paper?"

"Uh...no." John had no idea how to explain. Where did you start with someone who had possibly never even seen a computer and had no idea how it worked? "They're...programmes. On laptops?" Even as he said it, he knew it wouldn't be enough.

"Ah!" Enlightenment filled Marnum's calm face. "Doctor McKay's laptop. 'Very important. Top secret. Do not touch.' Now I understand."

Oh. John guessed Marnum had met Rodney then.

"Thank you for explaining it to me. My workers will be pleased to know how things are done in the City of the Ancients." He bowed his head and left, heading towards a small group of workers lingering nearby.

John couldn't hear what Marnum was saying but, from the looks on their faces, that same pleased enlightenment as though curiosity was now satisfied, he was explaining. John smiled and shook his head slightly. Only Rodney could become famous for telling people to keep away from his laptop.

Turning his attention back to the papers in front of him, John flicked through them quickly, then looked through them again, far more slowly. It seemed that Rodney's anonymous letters made up the majority of the paper being used in Atlantis. John tried to be surprised, but failed miserably.

What he was surprised about was that Rodney hadn't just been receiving death threats - he'd also been correcting them and, John suspected, leaving them for the senders to find.

There were times when John privately thought that Rodney was certifiably insane.

Regardless of Rodney's (absolutely bonkers) mental state, John found the notes to be enlightening in more ways than one. Firstly, it seemed that a lot of the scientists in Atlantis couldn't spell. Secondly, Rodney also liked correcting bad grammar and punctuation too.

The rest of John's day had been spent finding whatever handwritten records had been scanned into the database and comparing them to the notes he had. Unfortunately for him, there were surprisingly few handwritten records. Fortunately, he'd thought of a way around it.

~'~

The next day dawned, bright and clear, and Rodney made his way back to the mess hall, then back to his lab, only mildly surprised to find Sergeant Bates at his side once again.

"I take it your megalomaniac dictator is off on another witch hunt?" Rodney asked.

Bates's face showed no emotion. "Which megalomaniac dictator is that, Doctor McKay?" he enquired.

"The one with the weirdest hair - and don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about!"

Ignoring whatever answer Bates was trying to give, Rodney opened his laptop and got back to work. Since Sheppard had seen fit to send him a soldier who didn't have the ATA gene, Rodney decided that he might as well start work on the water recycling filters that had begun to play up. It promised to be a dirty job, but someone had to do it. And that someone would be Bates.

It was just over an hour later that he realised Bates was still his only companion.

Rodney glared at the clock. It wasn't that he minded being one of the hardest working people in Atlantis, but his scientists were supposed to turn up for their scheduled hours. He tapped his radio and said, "McKay to Zelenka."

There was silence.

Rodney repeated it with the same result, and frowned. It wasn't like Radek to ignore him. Insult him, yes. Ignore him, no.

"McKay to Kusanagi."

This time, the silence was rather unsettling. Miko would never ignore Rodney. Ever. It was unthinkable.

And yet silence was all he was getting.

Rodney snorted slightly and shook his head. Obviously the radio system was playing up. What did you expect when you piggybacked US technology onto Ancient systems? It was bound to happen. It might already have been happening.

Hmmm. That explained Sheppard's hair.

Tapping a few keys, Rodney opened the appropriate programmes and ran some diagnostics. Nothing seemed to be wrong. But...

Frowning again, Rodney radioed Radek once more. Only for the same wordless static to fill his ear. No, it had to be a malfunction. Didn't it?

"McKay to Weir."

Elizabeth's voice came straight back to him. "What is it, Rodney?"

"Uh...is there a problem with the radio system?" Rodney asked. And if there was, why didn't he know about it first?

"Not that I'm aware of." Elizabeth sounded puzzled. "Do you think there's something wrong with the radio system?"

"No. It's fine." Rodney frowned at his laptop and the row of lights that showed the system was working normally.

"Okaay." Elizabeth sounded even more confused. "So -"

"It doesn't matter. It's probably a glitch. I'll get onto it. McKay out." Rodney tapped his fingers on his desk. No scientists. He had no scientists and Radek and Miko weren't answering their... Rodney turned and gazed at Bates, his impassive face showing nothing. "What's Sheppard done with my scientists?"

"I have no idea, sir. I've been with you."

Rodney ignored the gleam of satisfaction in his eyes and tapped his radio once more. "McKay to Sheppard."

"What is it, McKay? I'm kinda busy."

"Stop torturing my scientists and send them back to work."

"I haven't been torturing your scientists, Rodney. Why would you think that?"

Rodney opened his mouth to reply, then snapped it shut as the door opened and his scientists came in. From their agitated movements and the unloving looks they were casting at Bates, Rodney knew Sheppard had done something. Again.

"What did you do?"

He was asking Sheppard, but Kavanagh answered. "He made us write essays!"

Radek shrugged at Rodney's disbelieving look. "Short essays, one paragraph sufficed, but yes, essays."

"On?!"

There was silence, then Kavanagh answered, "What we did on our vacations."

As Rodney's jaw dropped, Radek put in, "The man is insane. He would not let us leave until we had each written something."

"Naturally, I was at Area 51. My work was too important to interrupt," Kavanagh said.

Rodney ignored him, instead turning back to his radio. "You made my scientists write first grade school essays instead of coming to work for me?" he all but hissed. "What is wrong with you?!"

"And they're all yours now," Sheppard replied, sounding pleased. "I'll be along later. Sheppard out."

Of course, Rodney wasn't about to leave it like that. Ordering his people back to work, he stalked out of the lab, Bates at his heels, and stormed his way to Sheppard's office. It was empty.

~'~

Elizabeth sighed as her door slid open once more. So far, she'd seen Rodney nine times. The first time, he'd asked if Major Sheppard was there. The second, he'd complained he couldn't find the major. The third, he'd said that Sheppard was undoubtedly lying somewhere badly injured, then muttered, "Or he soon will be," and they should go look for him.

The fourth, fifth and sixth times had involved Rodney complaining that Sheppard was still nowhere to be found. The seventh, Rodney had expressed his earnest belief that it was all a plot, Elizabeth knew where Sheppard was and unless she wanted cold water for her showers in the morning, she'd tell him...fast. The eighth had involved more threats, though the most creative ones had been reserved for Sheppard himself, and the ninth had Rodney threatening to quit and go raise goats with the Athosians.

And now...

Her eyebrows rose as the missing major slinked in, a satisfied look on his face.

"Doctor McKay has been looking for you."

The smug look changed into an outright grin. "I bet he has."

Elizabeth sighed. "I'll let Carson know he might be needed."

John laughed. "Relax. I have good news for Rodney." Then he frowned. "Well, sort of."

"You know who sent those death threats?"

He nodded.

"Who?!" she demanded. Personally, she was appalled that there were people in Atlantis willing to threaten Rodney's life, though there were times she completely understood why.

"All the scientists."

Elizabeth gaped at him. "All the scientists?!"

"With the exception of Zelenka, Kusanagi and Kavanagh." John shrugged. "I would have sworn Kavanagh would have been one of them but -"

" _All_ the scientists?" Elizabeth repeated, wanting to be sure she had that right.

"Even the botanists." He leaned forward. "I don't think we have room in the holding cells for all of them."

"Well...no." And they needed the scientists. Elizabeth tried once more, her mind struggling to comprehend. "Are you sure it was all of them?"

"I have signed confessions from all of them." John got up. "But you needn't worry. I've dealt with the situation."

For a second, Elizabeth felt relief, then panic set in. "They are alive, aren't they?!"

"They're fine." John smiled, and Elizabeth saw again the determined predator who'd taken down the Genii invasion force. "They won't be threatening Rodney again. I was gonna go and -"

The door slid open. "Elizabeth, I - you're here!"

John's smile became more genuine and far less chilling. "Miss me?"

"I - you - where were you?!" Rodney spluttered.

"In my office."

"Nice try! I went to your office - there was no one there!"

"Oh, not that office." John smiled at Elizabeth once more and turned Rodney around, pushing him towards the door. "My other office."

"You don't have another office!" There was a pause, then Rodney demanded, "Where is it?"

"I can't tell you that, Rodney. It's classified."

"Classified from _me?!_ "

John steered him out of the door. "Especially from you."

~'~

John suspected he might have guessed that Rodney would be more interested in finding out where John's 'other' office was rather than in the identity of who'd been threatening him. That had been waved aside with an, "Oh, they wouldn't have tried anything. They need me too much."

Whether they did or not, John was positive the scientists wouldn't dare do anything. Not after he'd dealt with them.

But the office...

"How can it be classified from me? I'm the chief science officer - I need to know these things!"

"Not this one."

"Suppose there's an emergency and I need to find you?" Rodney demanded.

"We have this amazing new technology, Rodney, called radios."

"Ha! You didn't answer yours today!"

"That's because I was busy."

"So what if you're busy - or what if you get injured in this far off 'other' office of yours? It'd take hours to track you down!"

"It's perfectly safe." John grinned at Rodney and the calculating gleam in his eye.

"Safe...safe. So it has to be nearby." Rodney's eyes narrowed, and John could practically hear him reviewing all the spare rooms that could be turned into an office.

Well, it would keep him busy, for now anyway. And Rodney was hardly likely to suspect that John's 'other' office was located in Rodney's own quarters. After all, it was the last place Rodney would ever look.

The end  
3rd October 2009.


End file.
